Saturday, May 29, 2010

Spreading Freedom, One Mutilated Corpse At A Time

The road to freedom and democracy in Afghanistan and Pakistan has hit something of a speed bump.

American commanders, in some sort of misguided attempt to ensure that only actual Taliban members (or perhaps people who have talked to or seen one, or maybe is a relative of or went to school with one) are eligible to be taught the wonders of American values which the US military often delivers by means of Hellfire missiles, are responding to reports that we've also been sharing these values with civilians. Apparently, the official US policy is that we only liberate people who have some connection to the Taliban, and spreading democracy to whole families who are just out for a drive by ripping them into little pieces of meat for the crows and vultures to eat is just not acceptable. For this, you will be written up. The horror!

This sure is some kind of noble war we've got going on over there, where operators of remote controlled drones called Predators sit in quiet rooms safely behind the US border and spread democracy and freedom by firing missiles through remote control at people who look suspicious. Sometimes, they just blow up whole families of innocent people with those freedom bombs, spreading the blasted little pieces of blood and guts and brains all over the shrubbery, and maybe leaving some limbless, frightened people alive who have to sit there covered with those little pieces of blood and guts and brains that until just moments before belonged to the laughing, smiling, innocent bodies of their families.

Now, I know the casual reader of this blog might be concerned that this reasonable suspicion requirement could prevent US forces from murdering a sufficient number of innocent Afghan citizens. The American elite class, particularly those Freedom-and-Democracy-loving Neo-Cons, love nothing better than a good bloodbath to demonstrate the superiority of the American system of freedom and justice and equality for all. And who better to turn into a sort of exploding fountain of body parts than innocent civilians? After all, aren't they the ones whose hearts and minds we are trying to win over?

But not to worry. As US General Stanley McChrystal recently bragged, "We've shot an amazing number of people and killed a number and, to my knowledge, none has proven to have been a real threat to the force."

So you may rest assured that US forces are not being hamstrung too severely in their hunt for harmless civilians to render into paragons of democracy, much the way the spare parts of a steer are rendered into so much bone and meat meal to be used for pet food or glue.

And it seems to be working. We've been trying to get the Afghans interested in American democracy for quite some time, but with little apparent success. Oh, sure, we claimed to have found some, like 12 year old Mohammed Jawad, who the US claimed was so interested in the US that they had to lock him up for 7 years in a cage in Gitmo. But as it turns out, Jawad and most of those like him really weren't interested in the US at all; the US military was just making the whole thing up so that we Americans would think the Afghans cared.

Now, however, the new approach of liberating innocent Afghan souls by splattering the small, remaining fragments of their bones, teeth, hair and other more solid body parts against the walls of their family homes has begun to reap some rewards. Why, just last September an Afghan citizen in the United States showed so much interest in this American method of spreading democracy and freedom that he planned to go all the way to New York City to return the favor, intending to show how he himself had embraced the American method by painting the walls of a New York City subway car with his remains and those of a few dozen of his traveling companions.

Our leaders, of course, are far too modest to take credit for this rapid interest in the American way by Afghan citizens. In typical fashion, they humbly claim that Afghans still actually hate America, and that they hate us for our freedoms, and our clothes and our movies.

But we know better. We know that our great leaders have indeed brought about great change. We know that there are many Afghans who, in the past, were interested only in tending to their flocks or fields. But our leaders have shown them the awesome power of democracy and freedom by shredding small children into even smaller pieces of children, or incinerating grandfathers as they sit telling stories, or of filling the pregnant wives of influential and respected community members with a great multitude of fast moving lead projectiles.

The success of this method is readily apparent. There is a huge rise in the number of previously unenlightened sheep farmers with new-found interest in the United States, and who have recently not only embraced this method of sharing ideals, but have grown determined to share the technique with the rest of Western World.

Being new to this method of spreading liberty and freedom, the Afghans still have some things to learn. For example, their preferred method of delivering their message of freedom, blowing themselves up along with the intended recipient of the message, while certainly brave, is just not as artistic or relaxing as the American method of flying invisible Predator drones high overhead, and then silently delivering their blood-soaked version of Democracy from on high, like some sort of Freedom God. This has the added benefit of keeping the rest of the population in a constant state of heightened anticipation, wondering when their chance to experience liberty will come.

But the Afghans will learn. Our American leaders have made it clear that we will be teaching them these lessons for many years to come, and so it is inevitable that the Afghans will get better at this. Today, there are only failed attempts at spreading freedom in subways; tomorrow, we may have pitched gun battles in shopping malls, as Afghans find new and better ways to return the favor.

And let us not forget that we are showing the Pakistanis the American way as well. Our Predator drones are in full effect there as well, and the results appear to be just as promising. Not long ago, a Pakistani citizen who was inspired by the wonderful American gifts of disemboweled children and crispy, smoking, corpses (which inevitably accompany our wonderful family massacres) attempted to return the favor in New York City's Times Square. His generous act of freedom was not, of course, on par with the bloody contributions to justice that America so selflessly and frequently makes, but that will change with time.

And if there is one thing that both Pakistanis and Afghans have, it's time.

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