Saturday, August 29, 2009

Pilgrim Pride

If you've been paying attention at all, you've probably already seen this. And since it's probably been covered a few times already, I thought I'd transcribe it and then give it the FJM treatment. The star of tonight's show is Mr. Bert Stead. The nervous Congressman is Republican Representative Wally Herger.

So here's Bert, addressing Congressman Wally:

Wally, my family came over here...

I like the way he starts off, referring to his family. Republicans are all about family, and Americans are all about welcoming desperate people from foreign countries. Look, it says it right there on the Statue of Liberty.

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

I wonder where his parents came from? From which war-torn, destitute, or tempest-tossed country did they make their escape, hoping to find solace, liberty and a steady supply of male purses?

-one side of my family-

Oh. Well, still, we welcome you with open arms, sir.

...on the Mayflower.

Ah yes, the good old Mayfl-What? That was like 389 years ago. Your family? By what reasonable definition do you describe people who came over here on a boat from England almost 400 years ago as your "family"? I'm going to let you continue, Mr. Stead, but you should know that I'm listening now, and I'd really like an answer to that question.

Oh, you mean white people. Never mind.

The first winter was rough, but they didn't have their hands out looking for someone to support them.

Judging from the self-reliant attitude and comic-bookstore sartorial taste of Mr. Stead, that doesn't sound like something his forefathers would do. I did a little research, in fact, and found that, other than stealing land and corn from the natives in that first winter, the only other Pilgrimish peccadillo was a little grave-robbing. But generally, they lived up to the principles that Bertie upholds. After all, they're family.

We built this country on people... (pause, applause)

Yes, literally- on people. On their backs. On the backs of slaves. It's called self-reliance, folks. Live it. Learn it. It's as American as torture, the Japanese internment, and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The reason this country is so great is because we stand up and we earn what we are entitled to.

I'm glad that you can stand, Bert. Very Pilgrimmy of you. I have always heard that those Pilgrims were good standers. Of course, there are those that cannot stand, like President Roosevelt, but he probably didn't earn what he was entitled to either. In fact, the things that he was entitled to are probably still out there, and if you watch as much late night TV as Mr. Stead does, you'll probably see an advertisement explaining how FDR can collect this government money. And not only could FDR not stand, but he was a government employee to boot, and that worthless combination of circumstance leaves no doubt that Mr. Stead has done far more to make this country great. By standing up, and so forth.

I have been known to say things fishy....

Hey, hey, hey! Hold on. Criticizing you is my job. Leave that to the professionals. I assure you that I can get this done. If you don't think think I've properly eviscerated you by the end of this post, feel free to meet me out back after the show. We can maybe have some tea. You did bring your bags, did you not? I assume that they are in your purse.

I have been known to even to attend a protest....

Ah. You do enjoy tea! Excellent! I myself have not been known to attend any of these protests, and so I went to their web site to learn more. The current outrage there was over the Shasta Board of Supervisors' proposed recognition of the Islamic community's contributions to American life. Mr. Stead, being a principled man, no doubt opposes this government recognition of religion, and, while I disagree with the notion that government should act as though religion does not exist, I commend him on his principled stand.

Actually, that's all bullshit. As it turns out, the only religion they think government should recognize is Christianity. He just doesn't like Muslims.

But I can understand that view. After all, all Muslims are terrorists right? There is nothing worse than a terrorist. And you know what we do with terrorists, or at least people who might be terrorists. Or look like one.

and i want to say that i'm a proud right wing terrorist.


Get him! Where is the CIA when you need them! He's probably got a bomb in that fanny pack! I can't believe you said that, Bert. You have no idea how lucky you are that Congressman Herger is on camera, because Wally Herger would kick your ass if he wasn't. When this meeting is over, you'd better high-tail it out of here, because that is one righteous right-wing representative right there, and he's liable to go all second amendment on you.

I didn't come prepared with a lot of notes tonight....

I presume that if you had, you would have realized that calling yourself a terrorist is not the smartest thing to do, and would have omitted that confession. Now you'll have Herger all over your ass. That's some heavy shit, dude.

I left them actually at home while i was looking for ...while i was looking for my birth certificate...

Nicely done, sir! While the setup to this joke was painful, awkward and, some might say, tortuous, the payoff was simply sublime! Birth certificate, you say? Hilarious! Your talk of notes confused us, since we did not believe that you could read or write, and then you took advantage of us with a clever and witty mocking of those paranoid and delusional members of the public who are convinced, in the face of all evidence, that Obama's birth certificate is a fake. These people are so loony that they believe that the fact that the president is ignoring them is proof that they are right. I applaud your joke, Mr. Stead, and the clever way you sarcastically dismissed these wingnuts and their- I'm sorry, can you hold, Mr. Stead? I'm getting word from the guerillapost headquarters down on Alpine and Birch. What's that? Oh. I see. I guess the joke's on me.

Sorry, Bert. I just realized that you are, in fact, one of those morons. My sincerest apologies.

The last...the last thing that i'd like to say is, please Wally, your job does not end when you say no to this on the ballot, on the vote.

Thank you for clearing this up, Bert. I can only speak for myself, but I can assure you that I was very concerned that Mr. Herger will think that his term is over after he votes.

your job has ended there.

Wait, you just said....What?

but it begins when you go back to washington and you tell the self-appointed king, and all the king's men...

Now Bert, I don't mean to sound stupid, but I didn't know we had a king. That's terrible! It's not American! You should lodge a complaint. I think that you should write a letter to the president, and demand that he investigate this king business. He'll listen. You might have heard of him. Barack Obama? Elected in a democratic election last year? Highest number of votes in American history? Second-highest percentage? Anyway, he's president, and I bet he'd be interested in investigating this king thing, whoever he is. With your help, of course.

Just try to keep that terrorist bit to yourself. Our government isn't too fond of terrorists, you see.

we are fed up...we don't want government in our face anymore.

Bert, I don't think government is listening when you say that. In fact, government is still standing there, right in front of your face, holding a microphone and wearing a white shirt, charcoal slacks and a shit-eating grin. And he is clearly not hearing you when you say that.

we don't want government-run car companies, we don't want government-run businesses, we can do that all by ourselves.

Yes, we can!

Just look at the bang-up job we did with GM, Chrysler and AIG! These companies were kicking some serious ass before government stepped in and ruined them. They were the envy of the free world! Did you know that the entire factory production line at GM was staffed by Pilgrims? They got them right off the Mayflower! They BUILT this country, damn it! AIG actually stands for American Indian Graves; Bert's family robbed those graves for the venture capital! They were only $185 billion in debt when the government started interfering.

Thank you, Wally.

No, Bert, thank you! Thank you for this illuminating insight into the mind of a modern moron. Now if I were you, I'd pack up that fanny pack and skedaddle, because I have a feeling Wally isn't going to like being lectured to by a terrorist. In fact, he's got the mic and he's about to lay into you something fierce. Let's listen...


Amen, God bless you,,there's a great American, isn't it?

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